Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
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My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
ME: it’s time for bed
*3 ducks excitedly appear at my window*
ME: bed guys, B E D
*3 ducks dejectedly disappear from my window*
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
He always wanted a surprise gift wrapped up in a big red bow.
*carefully arranges shiny red ribbon around a wriggling porcupine*
[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal
My wife and I were looking for something at Walmart when she said “Maybe it’s on the health food aisle” and then we laughed and laughed.
there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
2yo niece: Auntie Pantie!
4yo nephew: Auntie Pantie!
Me: Haha, they’re so cute.
8yo daughter: Auntie Pantie!
Me: NO.
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
Ima weiner. Damn I meant winer. Dammit I’m a winner. Hucked on fonics it made me look like an moroon.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
poor people rarely die from ski related injuries
Eye of the Tiger came on the radio and I got so excited the macaroni salad I was making is all over the walls and the cat has a black eye.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
Worst bar ever.