I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.
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I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
teacher: sometimes i think you’re failing spelling on purpose. but what’s the angle
me: that thing with the harp and wings
teacher: never mind
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
“that dude just checked out your mom” –two trees outside a library
Hiking the trails at home, every twig breaking is a serial killer.
Hiking the trails in the mountains, every twig breaking is a mountain lion.
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
I tried to sign up for a streaming service, but it was not Tubi.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Kids got tired of fighting in the house and online, so we got a pool.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):