GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
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Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
14: Wanna play a game?
12: Sure!
14: Do an impression of Mom
12: Oh that’s easy
14: WITHOUT SWEARING
12: Forget it.The end.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”
“Honey, don’t try to feed ice cream to the Christmas tree,” is a thing I literally just said.
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
If someone is better at something than you, learn from them, let them teach you, or bathe in their blood so you can absorb their power.
Her: I read on Facebook…
Me: I’m going to stop you there.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
(Guy who has only seen Les Miserables and Aladdin watching a third movie) When does he steal the bread?
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
“Pharaoh, we have completed the pyramids. They align to communicate with the galaxy”
Sweet. Hey look at these stupid cats I drew LOL
[Me to the second baseman after I slide into 2nd] Make sure u separate plastics & food waste
[Coach from dugout] NOT THAT KIND OF TRASH TALK
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
Sorry you asked a yes or no question and I talked for 12 days
[Kitchen]
Me: I’m a were-state. When the moon is full I turn into a US state.
Wife: No you don’t the moon is full now.
Me: *Illinois noises*
Me: sandwich for lunch?
6yo: noooo!!!
Me: how about salami, tomatoes, cheese & bread?
6: YES!!I win.
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
I’m not like other girls. I am Mothman.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?