Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
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I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
“Wow you’re one of the nicest old ladies I’ve ever met!”- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
estão todos miauvindo?
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
I used to dream of having my own washer and dryer, three kids later I dream of having my own laundromat
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
When I pack too much for a short trip.
My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
My weird paranoid neighbor, shreds all her mail and closes all the shades.
But never locks her basement window.
Her: you’re in no state to drive
Me: Jesus will take the wheel
Jesus: can’t… drunk
Me: but you were only ordering water all night
Jesus: *tries to wink at camera*
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
Why do all zombies have sprained ankles?
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
I refuse to clean my house before you arrive because it perpetuates our slavery to capitalism. Just kidding, I’ve vacuumed the attic in case you wanted to see our 15 year old baby gates.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
me: [texting a friend i haven’t talked to in 17 months for no reason] hi
friend: hey! how are you?
me: [3 months later] i’m ok
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now