SCIENTIST: it’s both man and machine
ME: what’s it called?
S: I call it a cyborg
M: I would have went with manchine
S: *crushes test tube*
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we can cancel Times Square we’ve dropped the ball all year.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
TIDE: Hey, where ya goin’?
MOON: Oh, um, I’m just gonna go over here.
TIDE: Okay cool I’ll come too.
MOON: No, no, that’s fine…
TIDE: This is fun, ilu so much.
MOON: That’s nice, I’m actually gonna go back to where I was.
TIDE: omg that’s amazing, me too.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Don’t you hate it when some idiots won’t even go 5 mph over the speed limit in the left lane but then when you try to pass them all of a sudden they want to go 127 mph into the sun
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
You say no portion control, I say treating every meal like it’s your last
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
It is WAY TOO EARLY for Christmas music. -people in the year 75 BC
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
Sometimes I put my phone down and do things with two hands, like in the olden days.
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
Y’all. My kids are in the bathroom plotting to stay up until midnight and have NO CLUE I can hear EVERY word of their plan to “sneak into the pantry and eat a ton of sugar”🙄
To be continued…
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I’m like Beyonce if Beyonce could not sing or dance.
Whoa… oh I see lol
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Either you die or it’s a good trampoline. There’s no in-between.
[1907. the first convenience store opens]
GUY WHO INVENTED INCONVENIENCE STORES: damn
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.