I only put healthy stuff in my kid’s lunchbox so the teacher doesn’t judge me.
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Chores give kids a sense of responsibility while teaching relevant life skills such as procrastination.
I hope the ghost of Michael Jackson Hee-Hee’s in your ear while you tryna sleep
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
ME: Who’s a good boy?
MY DOG: What have you heard?
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Fetch me my Twitter, Kenth. Time to see how many of my tweets went virus. Ah yes, here it is, none. That’ll be all Kenth. Same time tomorrow
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Had sex with a condom tonight.
Maybe next time it will be with a girl.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
My 6 year old came into the bathroom while I was using it to tell me she hates it when the dog comes into the bathroom when she’s using it.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
90% of my social interaction is just wondering what to do with my arms
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
My husband broadcasts the Imperial March over Google home when my mother pulls into the driveway.
It’s scarier than any movie I’ve ever seen.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
Here’s how I get my kids to wash the floor: I give them a cup of water without a lid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
it’s dangerous to go alone, take this
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Scientists named an aurora STEVE and y’all just let it happen.