ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
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Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
My daughter just asked me to go in a corn maze with her, and now she is telling me stories about serial killers, and if I don’t make it out she is definitely my favorite child and also probably the killer
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
I had children for two reasons; I wanted to start a loving family, and I needed a quick excuse to leave things.
This cat wants you to take your pills
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
I feel like movies exaggerate men’s enthusiasm for having meaningful conversations while playing pool.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
My outfit today says “I’m going for a run in the fresh air and maybe do some yoga afterwards.”
My outfit is full of lies.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Taliband
Her: Something’s changed in here.
Me: I put a new bulb in.
Her: Well it’s not very bright
Bulb: Okay wow I’m like right here.
the girl from the ring starts crawling out of the tv, stops halfway, looks around my room, and crawls back into the tv
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
To the twelve people who are always liking my tweets:
Do you want something from the gas station?
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive