i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
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*sees burglar
*throws flashlight at him
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
*misses
*throws another
Burglar: WTF
Me: COSTCO
People on LinkedIn on a Saturday.
Who. Hurt. You?
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
Love it when moms refer to kids by age in tweets. “6 fell down today”. Wonder if the kids do the opposite at school: “33 is drunk again”.
God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: dang i’m pretty big!
God: you’re actually the largest land animal in the world.
Elephant: oh wow!
God: I know right?
Elephant: am I the loudest?
God: lol goodness no.
Elephant: well who is?
God: [looks around] I call it the toddler : )
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
this is me
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
Scientists report global context shortage. “I guess I’ll have flan,” some scientist said, totally out of context.
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I hope the woman who forgot the word “iced” and so asked me for a caramel macchiato “on the rocks” yesterday is doing well
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
On this day 15 years ago my moms picked up the phone and interrupted a file at 96% I’d been downloading from Napster for 17 hours.
When a killer makes you dig your own grave, throw the soil far away so he has trouble backfilling.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
Them: Can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *bursts into flames*
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo
Why do they even bother having different brands of milk?
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.