[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
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Cop: we know you’re in there.
Me in a French accent: I am not ere, I am in France.
Cop: when will you be back?
Me: je ne comprends pas
Park Ranger: Careful, someone saw a coyote out here earlier
Me: Ok, thanks
-20 minutes later-
*drives into a rock painted like a tunnel
STRANGER: she has a book. cute and smart
ME: [taking a bite of the small layer cake i made to look like a book]
STRANGER: a stunning genius
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If swimming is such good exercise, explain whales
I had a call from a charity asking me to donate old clothes for starving people. I told them anybody who fits into my clothes isn’t starving
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Me: I picked up Oliver from doggy daycare.(talking to dog) I’d never forget you. No I wouldn’t.
Husband: Did you pick up the kids from your mom’s house?
Me: …Kids?
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
I need a car. Hiding in people’s trunks and hoping they’re going to Wal-Mart isn’t working out for me.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
People are waiting for flying cars and I’m just waiting for my supermarket to install cup holders on trolleys so I can have tea while I shop