good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
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Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
My kid: Hey mom, do we stop growing when we get older?
Me: *with a mouthful of mashed potatoes* Not in my experience honey
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
Always practice yodeling, suddenly, in a packed elevator.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
I always wear running shoes while driving because you won’t know what the terrain will be like until after the cop pulls you over.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
*a family walking through the park suddenly becomes horrified at the sight of a man sitting on a bench reading a book*
child: {crying} where’s his phone, daddy?
dad: just look away!
mom: {live streaming their encounter} this is not who we are!
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
My daughter spelled America “Merica” on a book report so now I’m searching her room for Trump campaign propaganda.
#ConfessToAubry
10
I work at Subway and if you are rude to me at the beginning I will make sure to grab the oldest and shittiest bread. So if your sandwich bread is hard you know why.
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
Saw a TV at the dumpster with a sign that said ‘free TV’ and boy do I feel stupid, I paid $200 for the last TV sitting at a dumpster
I just said “bye – bye” when I ended a phone call, and now I’m debating on if I should have my milk & cookies before or after recess.