I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
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Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
Emotional awareness simply means recognizing, respecting, and accepting your feelings as they happen.
📸: @livinglyfree
#emotion #positivemindset #PositiveVibes #selfcare #selfcare
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Why doesn’t anyone invite copyeditors to parties when we’re such cool people out with whom to hang?
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
[movie theater]
Her: *Hands me popcorn bag* Can you put this down?
Me: *grabs bag* You stupid, overpriced, salty piece of shit!
Me buying fruit and veg
My daughter said “daddy we are not friends with Brooklyn because she said I dress weird”
No questions asked now I got beef with a 4 y/o named Brooklyn and her father.
I dont make the rules to this gang shit. I just play my role.
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
*goes to pond*
*duck hands me $100*
“Give me the hard stuff.”
*hands over bag of croutons*
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
Cops hauled me away for drawing faces on potatoes and makin’ em kiss.
“It’s just too sexy” one cop whispered to me on our way to the jail
I’m hearing terrible scratching noises coming from inside my walls and it better be demons because I can’t afford it to be squirrels right now
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
Can we talk about what little red riding hoods actual grandma must have looked like?
[first day as chinese police officer]
me: guys…it happened again.
[police radio]: okay *sigh* push your fingers in gently toward each o…
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry