Science Lesson: A baking dish that’s been in a 400 degree oven, is also 400 degrees and you shouldn’t touch it.
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One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
My 8YO turned vegetarian to save the planet, then decided to wait until after this weekend’s burger grilling
That was your first time water skiing?
“Yeah”
I’ve never seen anyone that good. Incredible.
“Thanks”
What’s your name anyway
*Jesus winks*
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The average parent spends roughly 2.7 years of their life picking up crayons from under restaurant tables.
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
7: mama, I will eat everything you pack in my lunch
me: that’s wonderful
7: except the things I don’t like
me: there it is.
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
🏙👨🏼
Hip-Hop & Dancing go hand & hand for my generation.
[Staring at bedroom ceiling]
Her:Don’t worry. It happens to every guy
Me:Not to me it doesn’t!
*resumes trying to unscrew lid from pasta jar
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
Croc store. Rooster walks in.
Salesman: How may I help you?
Rooster: A Croc or two will do.
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
Men in suits look really weird standing on the grass. Go back to the concrete buddy
“We’re up all night to get Loki” -Daft Punk feat. The Avengers
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
How to grab a women’s attention:
1. Be a glass of wine.
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
SPOUSE: Why is there a cow in the front yard?
ME: Remember how I really wanted a riding lawnmower, but we couldn’t afford one?
SPOUSE: Yeah.
ME: Well, for entirely unrelated reasons I stole a cow.