Historical fact: The term “bro” originated over a hundred million years ago and was short for brontosaurus.
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Just saw a man wearing a pager. Apparently, he’s expecting a very important call from someone in 1994.
I think more men would go to therapy if it was competitive. “Fourteen points in healthier communication? Yes! Eat my dust, Kyle! You emotionally unavailable loser!”
thank god 50 shades of grey got the R rating they wanted because what kid under 18 wouldn’t want to watch 50 shades of grey with a parent
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Maybe I should’ve learned to code instead of majoring in Bermuda Triangle Studies
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Would love to comment on the scam lady but I took out student loans to get a theatre degree from a liberal arts school, so.
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
[after seeing a sign for pet fencing] omg imagine the little swords
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
A lot of people look at Russian roulette as a negative game, but statistically it’s actually one of the only games you can’t lose twice
Covid has me stifling a cough in public like I’m trying to hide a bite wound in a zombie movie.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
“Whale, whale, whale, what do we have here?”
~ God, doing whale inventory & coming across an unexpected non-whale after counting three whales.
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Romeo: Juliet is the sun. Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon, who is already sick and pale with grief that thou, her maid, art far more fair than she.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: No.
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
I only had a few friends before I got on Twitter.
Now I don’t have any.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Doctor: Describe your headache.
Me: She’s about 5’8″, blonde, and the mother of my children.
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.