I swear we are fighting two pandemics
Covid 19 and Stupidity
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Murderer 1: well this is awkward
Murderer 2: omg Dave haha what are the chances!
Murderer 1: how’s Carol?
Murderer 2: you know, same old same ol-
Me: EXCUSE ME
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
I’m skipping the gym today because I already have a six pack…
waiting for me in the fridge at home.
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
who called it hell and not heaven’t
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
My number constantly gets falsely placed on a youth soccer team’s phone number list. I finally responded.
Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
I’m not always a couch potato. For instance, right now I am a chair potato. And later I will be a bed potato.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I just watered a few plants so I’m ready to open a landscaping business.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
HER: I’m from outside London.
ME: Nearly the entire world is outside London.
The ability of a morning phone call to trigger my anxiety speaks valiums
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.