My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
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Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
My bank statement is just a record of everything I’ve eaten for the last month.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
One day I’m going to cure blindness. You’ll see! You’ll all see!
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
I’m too high watching Secret Agent Cody Banks and my friends didn’t take an edible so I have to act like I’m not high it’s almost like I am also Secret Agent Cody Banks rn
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
As you can tell from my outfit, I am not a nudist.
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Me: baby, with you every friday is good friday
Wife: aw that’s sweet
Jesus: wow
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
My fight or flight response has frequent flyer miles.
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
You know you’re the father of teen boys when a shoe print on the ceiling no longer fazes you.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
if you dating baby shark you single to me. what he gonna doo doo doo doo doo doo
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown