Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
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I am always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank.
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
If anyone asks, we met at a bible study.
“order in the court!”
*Bangs gavel*
Chicken wings, your honor!
[after 3 months in prison]
I think the joke was worth it.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have loopus.
ME: Oh no! Is there a treatment?
DOCTOR: The tests have come back, and it’s bad news.
ME: What is it, doc?
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
I am HOWLING at this
A good way to make sure people leave you alone at work? Let them catch you laughing at the urinal
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
*growing up in a family of six kids*
Love you dad!
Dad:
I’m waiting in the school parking lot and a grandpa picking up twin preschool girls just yelled at one of them, “GET YOUR HAND OUT OF YOUR PANTS,” and some other little boy in the parking lot jumped like he’d been caught. It’s chaos out there.
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.