Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
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God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
The year is 3426, all of humanity is extinct. Supernatural is somehow still on every week with new episodes.
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
If evolution were real you’d think my body would’ve learned how to be drunk on its own by now.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
My wife’s celebrity “free pass” is Paul Rudd, and mine is my wife because yah right like I’m gonna walk into *that* propeller blade.
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
The Commandments
1) def don’t kill
2) no stealing, obvs
3) don’t say my name? idk
4) luv ur neighbs!
5) but don’t LOVE-love them, that’s bad
Me *laying on my couch, flipping through health magazines*, “bet these workouts are a piece of cake.”
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
If only we’d had some kind of warning that a pandemic would pandemic.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
The biggest mystery of our time
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Sometimes you have to stop tweeting to have an alibi for ignoring texts.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History