intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
You Might Also Like
I forget, are you supposed to be happy when you see their exes are ugly, or worried that you might be ugly too?
I’ll apologize for last night right after you tell me which parts you still remember.
How to get me to like you:
Be pajamas.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
wife: [hangs up the phone with me] sorry, my husband’s trying to say he found a genie
her coworker: wow there’s a 5th ninja turtle now
wife: oh no
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Can’t wait for the day off from work so I can sit on the couch at home and stare at the TV screen while thinking about work.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
PEN SHOP OWNER: *Revealing huge sign with slogan he just created* “The pen is mightier than the sword”
SWORD SHOP OWNER NEXT DOOR: Jesus Christ, Phil, why would you—we’re not even in competing markets!
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
Avocados are like children. It’s important you spend a lot of quality time with them so they won’t go bad…
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
It isn’t alcoholism if you’re a method actor training for a role as an alcoholic in a movie that doesn’t exist.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.