given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash
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Friend: Isn’t it crazy to think that every decision you make for your kids will change the trajectory of their entire lives?
Me: Thank you for pointing that out. Please never talk to me again.
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
Q. Where did Capt. Hook buy his prosthesis?
A. At a secondhand store.
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
I did not eat the cake…
Just ate so many carrots I can see through drywall.
*finishes a project in 20 minutes that was supposed to take 40 minutes*
*celebrates by screwing around online for 4 hours*
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
Losing weight
Pros:
– fit into fashionable clothes
– less chub rub
– can be picked up & carriedCons:
– fit into beauty standards
– less likely that thighs will merge into eachother and become a mermaid tail
– can be picked up & carried
Neighbor: Oh your baby has beautiful big eyes!
My wife: Yeah, like his dad
Me: *Stares suspiciously at our gardener Sauron*
Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
Instructor: Welcome to our Summer with Kids Preparedness class. Our first lesson is how to apply sunscreen. Everyone grab an angry raccoon.
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”
A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
wife: “just break it to him gently”
me: “ok ill try”
[tucking son in bed]
me: [opening story book] “once upon a time your grandma’s dead”