Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
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but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
I just want to be rich enough that I don’t have to watch DIY videos on YouTube every time something in my house breaks.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
ME: Can you stop the car here? I wanna pet the dogs at that animal shelter.
ARRESTING OFFICER: No.
If pi is 3.14, then i think .99 is a good deal for 2 doughnuts.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
Twitter is my favorite MMORPG ever. I just say nasty shit and then I get to collect awesome people like experience points.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Me: I don’t want to dwell on that.
My brain: OK, let’s put a pin in it and circle back later. Is 3 a.m. good for you?
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
My kids just watched this video where two You Tubers stopped playing piano to fight each other with knives.
Me: Wow, you two really like comedy
Son: Who doesn’t like comedy?
Daughter: Who doesn’t like knives?
roommate: do u have any shaving cream
me: no it tastes gross
roommate: you eat shaving crea-
me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.
My new party trick.. I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together….I shit you knot…
“I CAME IN LIKE A WRECKING BAAAAAAALLL”
– me at 3:00am, drunk and naked, on my neighbor’s tire swing
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
🏙👨🏼
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.