FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
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“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Wife: Don’t tweet that
Me: *thinks about it*
Wife: I’ll divorce you
Me: *thinks harder*
Wife: And give you all 4 kids
Me: *hits delete*
Is it just me or does everything cost like we’re shopping in an airport now?
♫ 12 drummers drumming
♫ 11 pipers piping
♫ 10 lords a leaping
♫ 9 ladies dancing
♫ 8 maids a milking
♫ 7 swans a swimming
♫ 6 geese a laying
♫
Waiter: how were your steak and eggs
Me: just okay
Waiter: oh no
Me: you could say they were
Waiter: please no
Me: *sips mimosa* meaty yoker
can’t believe people were talking about bean dad and short women when they could have been talking about two friends getting in a fight because they both named their baby ‘baby’
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
#growingpains
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
Two-word love stories:
Cancelled plans
Apple crumble
Half day
Chocolate orange
Empty carriage
Staying in
Free bar
Golden retriever
Jacket potato
Beer garden
New socks
Early night
Cheese board
Bank holiday
Pancake day
Lie in
Home time
Ice lolly
Large chips
Water slide
Hot tea
Mom, I’m glad April Fools is on a wkend. Kids at school are jerks
Me:*Hiding a plate of waffles drenched in olive oil* yeah people are mean
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
Lost my pet unicorn.
If you find it, please share your drugs.
Started playing with the self-retracting cord on my vacuum to find out how much weight it can pull; long story short, I’m Batman now.
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My girlfriend will only have sex with me if i imitate her favourite electrical appliance. Tbh i’m not a fan
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
I composed this tweet in a way that only the sexy can read it, so congratulations
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
*goes out*
*realises why I stay in.*
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
When a conversation gets awkward, distract the person by casually kicking a rock. Unless that rock is a poop. And you wore stilettos. And the poop sticks to the end like a skewered turd. And you’ve made it awkward. Now you have something to talk about.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”