Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.
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[playing poker]
“I’m all in”
*slowly pushes a half-eaten burrito and a cat to middle of the table*
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
If I worked at a pizza place I would use pepperoni to spell out “Marry me?” on pizzas all the time just to make things awkward for couples.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
[god creating seahorses]
angel: any more ideas for animals?
god: ok, what if tiny saxophones could swim
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
Take your age and add 5 years to it.
That is your age in 5 years.
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks
[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another
Why can’t mirrors be nicer
THEM: “Pineapple should never be on pizza! It’s a fruit!”
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] “Well, I have some bad news for you about where tomato sauce comes from, kid.”
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
Story of my life…..
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.