Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
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Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.
me: [taking off shirt]
wife: woah slow down there bud
me: [sadly buttoning] so we’re not having spaghetti tonight?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Duck typos.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Just pulled over for gas despite having 3/4 of a tank so I could gracefully get out of this Pokémon conversation.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
my grandpa: [watching me set up an email account] your password is 8 stars?
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
Me: Rumplestiltskin is such an unrealistic fairy tale. Like anyone would really want a firstborn kid. They’re the worst.
12yo: I can hear you.
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
Mom Holds Knife To Throat Of Dinner Guest Who Offered To Help With Dishes
Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
ME: my wife and I do this cute thing where we finish each other’s sentences
WARDEN: no
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[GOING BACK IN TIME]
Me: Oh my god, I’m in the middle of the First World War!
Everybody: The what now?
If you love someone, buy a bouncy castle. No one would leave you if you own a bouncy castle.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
No. You simply have to put the mall hours on this sign. You simply have to.
No, I don’t wish to see “offensive replies”
what is this, a family reunion?!
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.