[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
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Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Today is the 30 yr anniversary when I was single and my hot boss called me into his office so I spritzed on some perfume then went and he looked deep into my eyes
and asked if I was available Valentine’s Day and I said YES and he said, “Cool I need you to work that day.”
I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
[last supper]
“Tonight, one of you will betray me for 20 pieces of silver.”
“30.”
“Sorry Judas?”
[sips wine]
“I didn’t say anything.”
Pastor: He is risen!
Me: Who?
Pastor: Jesus
Me: Jesus who?
Pastor: Jesus Christ
Me: Look, dude, there’s no reason to get angry.
[being interviewed from a lily pad in a fetid bog] I mean, if you think about it who hasn’t lied to a witch at some point?
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
*cutting the sleeves off a snuggie and calling it a thuggie*
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run
But that’s my emotional support bin of clothes that are too small for me now.
It was 80s day at my 8yo’s school so I told him to walk to school and be home before dark.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
herekittykittykittykitty
– me stoned about to lose a hand to a raccoon
“We only had 5 channels and no remote” is the new “I walked uphill both ways, barefoot to school when I was a kid.”
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Are racist people like “ugh, my open minded uncle is going to be at Thanksgiving this year.”
Thelma and Louise driving off a cliff, but it’s just me holding my friend’s hand until the scary part of the car wash is over
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
“my god, that man is trying to snatch her purse!”
i’ll be RIGHT back
*ducks into phone booth**pops head out 5 mins later*
is he gone yet
I have yellow mustard, grainy mustard, dry mustard, mustard seeds, Dijon mustard, and horseradish mustard. That part of my life is in order.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
me: *placing a fork in front of a turtle* you’re raphael now
My girlfriend asked if she killed someone would I help her dispose of the body and I said no and she said, “You wouldn’t lie to the cops to keep me out of prison??” And I had misunderstood the question because I’d be happy to lie to the cops I just didn’t want to carry stuff.
“I want to swim with an overweight, rich white guy before I die.”
– Dolphin bucket list.
Therapist: Are you two still romantic?
Me: I left him a heart made of post-it notes on the bathroom mirror last week.
Husband: There were chores written on all of them.