You are all invited to my murder shed, I mean my shed
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[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Kids will keep you humble. If not by their words, then by the picture they drew of you.
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
What’s the new etiquette rule: am I supposed to wait until everyone is done photographing their meals before I start eating mine?
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
Me: So it’s kittens… driving sports cars!!
Studio Head: I need security up here NOW.
Me: PLEASE DON’T REJECT “THE FAST AND THE FURRIEST”
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
“Has science finally gone too far,” I ask my hybrid pig falcon as we stare in disbelief at the latest Prius.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
My OnlyFangs is just me snapping my teeth at the camera and biting someone occasionally.
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
A fun thing about toddlers is that they will pretend to eat tacos but as soon as you make them for dinner they’re ‘gistusting.’
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
Don’t be alarmed when you’re knocking on the Gates of hell and the devil doesn’t answer….He is dealing with me.
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Sharon Hodges had her new bike stolen and the police wouldn’t help. A week later she saw it for sale in her local used items newspaper. She contacted the seller and they met at the mall. She asked to test ride it and never returned. She stole her bike back.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd