Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
You Might Also Like
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
*Hears something go bump in the night.
Me: *jumping out of bed. Who’s there?
Ghost: Oh shit, I woke the scary one.
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
cowgirl so I can see the light fade from his eyes when I ask if he’d still love me if I was a worm.
It’s amazing how fast the first 30 minutes of work just fly by when you show up a half hour late for work.
Fight club but just dueling neighbor’s aggressively leaf blowing leaves onto each other’s lawns.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
If I litter my sidewalk and steps with those little pumpkins, does it keep people out or make them trip or what?
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
This is my first Apocalypse, I don’t know what to wear.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
Dateline was on an hour later than usual and hoo boy they’re sure lucky I don’t have a life
A National Treasure where Nicholas Cage has to find the model number on a 15 year old dishwasher.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
I stand in the tampon aisle and when a woman reaches for a box, I snicker and say “you’re gross”.
What if Waldo isn’t actually hiding, and he’s just photo bombing all of those pictures?
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
Ok Brazil, this would be a time when it’s ok to bite an opponent.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.