The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
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The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
I get it, credit cards – I’ve reached my limit too.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
Got rid of all those dangerous Tide pods when I gave them away on Halloween.
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
It’s all fun and games until the music playing over the dept store intercom gets to the lift part in Dirty Dancing, but the mannequin with no arms that you’ve been dancing with doesn’t catch you.
Really bruh?
I’m guessing the apple from the Apple logo tasted like shit.
My wife just said that my favorite pair of jeans went upstate to live on a big, beautiful farm.
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
I went for a job as a stunt double, I stubbed my toe on my way out the door. As soon as I stopped crying, I went to the interview. Bravery.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
Just because they call the 20yr high school reunion Prom 2.0 doesn’t mean you should wear your prom dress. I know this now.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
Me, watching a tv series: “I would be a great CIA agent!”
Also me, after drinking half a pina colada: Blabs incessantly about everything that may or may not have happened in my entire life.
He was a satyr boy
She said see you later boy
He wasn’t goat enough for her
The Carpenters did not have nearly enough songs about hammers or sawdust
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Mary brought in donuts.
Jim took the only Boston Cream.
Jim knows those are my favorites.
I slipped a laxative into Jim’s coffee.
I pulled the fire alarm.
We are on the 39th floor.
Jim should learn to be more considerate.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene
The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I am a vigilante zombie for that chocolate I think is hidden in the pantry. I will find you and I will eat you.