[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
You Might Also Like
*as i lovingly cradle my mug of tea & gaze out the window at a beautiful meadow where several deer are prancing & butterflies are fluttering around & chipmunks are doing whatever the hell they do an intrusive thought pops into my head*
i wonder if my car is still in the pool?
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
ME: [drinking a glass of raw eggs]
WIFE: What are you training for?
ME: [drinking glass of bread] I just hate cooking
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
My 4yo saw a squirrel eating an apple and asked if he could eat an apple. So now I’m feeding the squirrel organic carrots and broccoli.
[creating pandas]
Angel: How about a cute looking bear thats shit at sex?
God: Make it black & white we’re running low on colours.
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My dog Daisy, whom I love very much, just ate a check from a foundation for $50k. Most awkward email I’ve had to send in a long time.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
THEM: What’s it called when you think about them all the time?
ME: Love.
T: What if it’s about murdering them all the time?
M: Also love.
Gandhi fasted for weeks and remained peaceful. I go three hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
accurate
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those ‘eat right and exercise’ fads.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
If I had a pizza place I’d continuously deliver pizzas to the houses of people with no self control like me. What are we going to say, no thanks?
Eddie is one of our desert tortoises. If you don’t push the door shut all the way, he will open it and come in. Eddie is probably over 50 years old, and ours is at least the third house in our neighborhood he’s lived at.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
I could survive 3 months in the wilderness with the contents of a woman’s purse and a pocket knife.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
watch only the first and last episodes of How I Met Your Mother. you’re welcome