*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
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If Stephen King wrote Mean Girls: yeah so first we need more pig’s blood in this scene.
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
I apologize to everyone that I’ve ever offended.
Just kidding. Could you imagine?
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
Babymaking music but it’s the Benny Hill theme song
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
I can make it rain with these here birthing hips.
As in I keep knocking the papers off my desk every time I walk by it.
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
Watched a nature documentary with my daughter and as the hungry polar bear approached the abandoned seal pup she said, “Oh, good, the polar bear is going to help her!” and sometimes I really wish I saw the world like a 12 y/o.
The funk soul brother
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
I created you as mosquito food.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.