GOD: This one is a giraffe.
ANGEL: That’s a long neck. They must make loud noises-
GOD: They have no vocal chords.
ANGEL: Dude… come on
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Well your honor, I thought handing her the curling iron while she was showering would get her ready faster.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
HARPER LEE: I don’t know what to call my novel
MOCKING BIRD: It’s probably garbage anyway
HARPER LEE [picking up a gun] ok I have one idea
I’m trying to break up with this fruit fly but he just won’t go away.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
Muggers: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
Me: My Lord will protect me
Muggers: Haha, right-
Jesus: [appears wielding dual katanas]
I smell SINNERS
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
During a meditation session
Sorry, my watch told me to stand up.
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
The guy at the dispensary sold me on live resin edibles and said “just start with one and see how u feel after 45 mins” but i said to myself hey my tolerance is high i can probably take 3 . it’s been 20 mins and i fear i’ve made a grave mistake.
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I call all my kids “baby” so I don’t confuse their names…
Like a playa
Adulthood is being angry at your spouse for not knowing what to get for dinner when you don’t know what you want, either.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.