Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
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The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
I could tell by the way she was pouring gasoline on a pile of my clothes, that the relationship had hit some turbulence.
I know you’re not supposed to hug the old lady giving out samples at Costco, but the sausage she gave me had cheese inside. Cheese.In.Side.
Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
I love when I learn a new word and use it for the embourgeoisement of my vocabulary
Before I get off the subway, I like to turn around, look at the other passengers, and say, “I’ll never forget the time we spent together”
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Boss: You gonna get any work done today?
Me: Sorry Boss, I was up late watching the game, I’ll pick it up.
B: Who won?
M: Jack Daniels
I had to break up with my veterinarian girlfriend. She was always trying to put me down.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
*gets in taxi*
Me: Wow it’s cold out there, my hand is freezing.
Cabbie: Where to?
Me: (putting on other glove) You know what, you’re right.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
You know instead of saying half a dozen you could just say 6, right?
there’s probably a fee though
7YO: Can you buy me a Ken so that Barbie can date him?
Me: Here just use this Captain America
4YO: (tearing into room) HE CAN’T DATE YOUR BARBIE HE’S BUSY GIVE HIM TO ME
My husband has been making pancakes and eggs for breakfast every morning and my kids are becoming accustomed to a standard I am not prepared to maintain after he returns to work.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
My personal history can best be understood as a series of catastrophes.
ME: You know what they say, “Never go to bed hungry.”
HER: Angry.
ME: *Mouth full of nuggets* It’s prolly cuz you’re hungry.
time for some seasonal decor
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.