I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
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When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
I’m sorry I pronounced your name wrong, because your mother ignored all laws of grammar in the English language
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Interviewer: Why should we hire you at the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame?
Geologist in a wheelchair: Isn’t it obvious?
Someone asked me if I’m ever scared that I’ll be alone forever, which I thought was so rude because my cat was right there.
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
BREAKING NEWS: Local prosthetics store hit by unarmed robbers.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.
6yo has two pregnant Barbies and one Ken doll. You could cut the tension in the Barbie camper with a tiny stiletto.
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
BANK EMPLOYEE: what if we stayed open later than 5:30?
CEO: that’s the dumbest shit i’ve ever heard
OTHER BANK EMPLOYEE: how bout a sign outside that displays the temperature 24/7
CEO: first of all, promoted
Before you harm any of your co-workers please consider the potential negative impact of prison on your Twitter time.
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”