Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
I can eat 47 deviled eggs without throwing up.
Don’t ask how I know this.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Foo fighters still fighting foo.
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
Couldn’t look worse today.
Time to run into an ex…
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
Twitter is like:
funny joke
funny joke
funny joke
HORRIFIC IMAGE YOU CAN NEVER UNSEE
funny joke
funny joke
angry guy who didn’t get the joke
If I knew how to pull a rabbit out of a hat I would never stop. Rabbits are great.
My therapist: and what do we say when we’re sad
Me: add to cart
My therapist: no
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
*phone rings*
Girlfriend: Hello.
Me: Hi, baby.
GF: Aw, what a nice surprise!
M: I just realized I forgot to say goodbye & I love you this morning.
GF: No, you told me.
M:
GF: You’re talking about the dogs, aren’t you?
M: Are they available?
Ain’t no way
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
[before tattoos were invented]
ME: I can’t believe I have to draw a skull on my arm every day
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
*hears wife and son come home*
*suddenly remembers I was supposed to pick him up*
BREAKING: Scarlet Johansson to play Idris Elba as James Bond
So much to do right now
*cracks open beer*
So much to do tomorrow
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Sometimes twitter makes sense and other times, people are blocking Mr. Peanut. Stop being so weird, y’all.
Trivia: Bugs Bunny was originally named “Insects Rabbit” and his catchphrase was, “What is transpiring, Physician?”