Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
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Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
An orca just threw a molotov cocktail at my house.
It’s Easter, I plan to count how many eggs each kid finds.
When they ask where stuff is I’ll remind them how good they are at finding things.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
Me: You’re going to prison?
My French accountant: Oui
Me: WE are going to prison?
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
He hid my gift in the laundry room in hopes that I wouldn’t find it
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Sorry if I unfollow you. It’s nothing personal, I just hate the things you say and do, and who you are as a person.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
Where is your GOD now????
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
On average, a person spends about 14 years of their life trying to open ketchup packets.
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
So, this is hard to say, but: Worcestershire sauce
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.