It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
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If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
receiving reports today that there are “some men” who sit to pee. these men are not real men. real men lie down.
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Boss’ office]
“You’re late AGAIN.”
Drove back for my phone.
“Why do need it at work?”
It’s all I do.
“WHAT?”
I said, IT’S NICE TO SEE YOU.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
I hope I never meet a genie offering one wish as picking between unlimited doughnuts or going to Sesame Street is gonna be impossible
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
Now I know why women like guys with big hands…. so they can’t eat all the Pringles.
Well played ladies, well played.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
I hate when my kids ask me impossible questions like: What day is it?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
thought I saw two girls fighting, turned out to be one drunk girl trying to take off a hoodie
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
[during sex]
her: hurt me
me: there’s only one season of firefly
imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
ME: I’d like to return a defective boomerang
SHOPKEEPER: Ok. Where is it?
ME: I have no idea
Little Red Riding Hood is my favorite story about an idiot who can’t tell the difference between a human and a wolf.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
Me: [crying so hard I can’t breathe] why
Waiter: [returning my plate] sorry, I thought you were done
Here’s a fun number: 8
After months of testing, 8 is the number of whiskey sours I can have before my online students begin to notice that I am losing consciousness.