doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else
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*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
No, you tell me what YOU were doing during that gap in my resume.
Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Interior designer: Ugh, this is old and outdated.
Me: Wait, did you just point at me?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
2 days ago I gained 800 followers in one day just for tweeting a cleavage pic
Unbooblievable
Telling a child not to touch something only ensures that child is definitely now going to touch that something.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
A fellow mom was talking about how another school’s spring break was 2 days longer than ours and said “They could have given our kids 2 more days” and I’m always so confused when people want their kids home longer than necessary.
How much do you want to bet that the inventor of the Lazy Susan has an ex-wife named Susan?
ME: please show me the posts in the order that they were made
COMPUTER: thats too hard. heres some tweets i think are good. Do you like this
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
Bird: *standing in middle of road challenging me*
Me: *swerving and driving off cliff* you have won again bird
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.