i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
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Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve threatened to cancel Halloween today, then I’d have about 25 dollars.
Shark week, but for squirrels.
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Walmart is always a good place to see someone in the process of hitting their child.
“I like to get off on the right foot.”
“Wow. That’s a VERY specific fetish.”
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
If I were a doctor I would become assassinated by the insurance industry after publicly evincing the curative properties of a hot dog and a soda
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Hotel pillows are the proof that God is angry with us.
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
[movie date]
me: i snuck in some snacks
date: omg !!!!!
me: *holding ramen noodles* do u have any boiling water
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
Jeez, men read so much into it when you ask if they’ll riot by your side in the water wars
*finds a corpse in the house*
Oh great, more cleaning.
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
WIFE: How do you feel about Hawaiian pizza?
ME, sipping my pineapple spice latte: I think you know
Ridiculously implies the existence of acquirediculously.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Me: Mom’s recovery from from hip replacement is going well. She’s getting smurfy on her feet.
Friend: LOL! Smurfy? You mean sturdy, right?
Me: The big white shoes and blue legs are a bit weird but she’s adapting.
Whoever came up with *gobsmacked* should name all of our emotional responses.