I could never succeed at chemistry. I Guess that’s why it’s called chemist “try”
You Might Also Like
OMG MOM SHUT UP IM TRYING TO SUMMON THE DARK LORD TO PLAY SCRABBLE YES I WANT A HAM OMELETTE
Still waiting on Gwen Stefani to release a song explaining budgeting.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
4yo: When you’re 9, you can drive
Me: Pretty sure you have to be older
4yo: Some people can drive at 9
Me: A little older
4yo: Ya, it’s 9
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Not wearing glasses anymore, I’ve seen enough.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
flight attendant: as u can see the captain has turned on the no murdering sign
[guy next to me is still murdering someone]
me: um excuse me
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Auto correct is my worst enema.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
If she thinks Simon and Garfunkel are the names of your lawyers, she may be too young for you bro.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
ME: My cat isn’t overweight; she’s just big-boned
VET: This is a dog
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
A co-worker is retiring, so they’re passing a card around filled with cash. I only took $10 but normally my signature is worth much more.
You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Having sex outside isn’t as spontaneous as everyone will have you believe. Carrying the bed out there is time consuming and heavy!
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.