Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”
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What’s the most baby state? Washington because WA
Ladies, if you don’t want to answer a question from a guy, say, “I already TOLD you. You never listen.”
We have no idea if you’re lying.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
i can’t believe i just spent my time editing this video
Like seashell soaps, my Ferrero Rocher are decorative.
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
DOG: [running in circles trying to catch his own tail] SON OF A
DOG’S PREGNANT WIFE: *looks up from knitting* Son of a what, David? Say it
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
*Whispers, spitters are for quitters.
~Wine tasting, you pervs!
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
Me: I’ll never be like my parents
Also me: If you kids don’t stop fighting, I’ll pull this car over and you can walk home!
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
When you take Google Maps too seriously.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Whenever I see a family and one child is trudging slightly behind everyone and crying, I want to lean in and whisper, “Someday you will write jokes.”
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
Establish dominance by saying “I thought you’d say that” in response to everything anyone says to you.
[Verizon]
SALESMAN: Can I interest you in our friends and family plan?
BATMAN: [just starts crying]
*slowly unwraps a candy bar as neighbor talks about her new diet
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.