Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
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carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
To make my guests comfortable, I always put a sign in the bathroom that says “Don’t worry, I cleaned, those are permanent stains.”
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
People that don’t speed up when merging onto a highway, who hurt you? Because I’d like to try next
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
was Jim off killing horses or…
I told my 3 year-old that sometimes, sharing with his brother is the nice thing to do.
He replied with, “Are you sure about that?” Followed by a maniacal stare.
There is a reason creepy children are used as a theme in horror movies, people.
[at gym]
Him: How much do you bench?
Me: Way less than I couch.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Me: Can we talk?
Carmen: *hot gluing fruit to a plate and placing it on her head* This is my Samba hat.
Me: Pretty. Look, I’m really worried about you.
“god has a plan for you” ok well i have some notes for him
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
Love is in the air fryer.
me: father’s day means so much to us single dads
wife: uhhh…we’re married
me: right, but I’m the only dad
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
If there were Doritos on the tree in the garden of Eden, they would not have had to wait for the snake. Adam and Eve would have eaten those things first day. They would have known all about good and evil.
She hated my mixed-tape back in high school. Last month she gave birth to her ninth baby. Thanks for saving my life, Depeche Mode!
Man’s guide for a selfie:
1) Squint your eyes like your cool
2) Look off into the distance
3) Put your phone down
4) Don’t take the selfie
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.