Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
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Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
ME: it’s like we never see eye to eye
MY VESTIGIAL TWIN: lol that would be super weird
Them: Can you recommend a show for me?
Me: Captain Caveman?
Them: Maybe something more for adults?
Me:
Them: Sorry.
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
I had to call someone for work, but it’s been so long since I’ve done so that I just dialed the calculator app instead of the phone.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
not taking the vaccine in case there’s a U2 album in it
quarantine day 3
[married convo]
Her: Hey, babe…guess what?
Him: What?
Her: *whispers* I’m not wearing any panties.
Him: You need me to do laundry?
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me