What the hell is going on in that bathroom?
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hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
*chips tooth
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
You look like you would fail a DNA test
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes
“Can I have a pound of onions please.”
“Sorry sir, it’s kilos these days.”
“oh, ok, can I have a pound of kilos please.”
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
In hell, you have to watch my son fold laundry.
Jon if Garfield is too fat maybe stop purchasing ingredients and cooking full lasagnas for him you realize that’s dinner for a human family
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
why do they call it involuntary manslaughter and not a grave mistake
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
[Antarctic Courtroom]
Polar Bear: “You hated your wife didn’t you, Pingu!”
Walrus Judge: “Careful Mr Prosecutor. You’re on very thin ice”
Polar Bear: “Your honor, permission to approach the bench”
Walrus: “No. I…”
*Polar Bear takes step forward, plunges through melting ice
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
Never really had a nickname in my life.. Except maybe that one time a bunch of chumps called me “The defendant” for a full day.
If she’s playing Wheel of Fortune, and has “_ONAL_ _UCK” left to win $8500, then she wants the D
when it’s summer but your favorite holiday is halloween
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Trying to impress the doctor by telling her I don’t need a prescription to get Xanax.