Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
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An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Kids will be like, “How was I suppose to know it would spill?”
– my son chasing his sisters around our living room with an open container of fake blood.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
CHRIS: hey can I borrow a ten
KRISTEN: sure
CHRISTEN: thank you
KRIS: anytime
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
i think muppets being in horror movies would be better than the original: a thread
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Today is the only day you can ghost someone and blame it on being festive.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Sorry I yelled “April Fool’s” while you were proposing to your girlfriend.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!