Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
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‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?
me: idk, want me to google it?
him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this
me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree
him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense
genie: “thats definitely your last wish?”
me: [smiles at my wife in wheelchair] “yes”
genie: “ok”
our dog: “how can i talk all of a sudden?”
i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
happy mother’s day❤️
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
Sometimes I wonder how vegans can survive off what little they can eat and then I remember they just feed off attention.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
Me: To the FIVE YEAR OLD?
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
HEY GRAPEFRUIT, know what else is a grape AND a fruit? GRAPES. yeah. so get your own name you citrus idiot
People who go to the store and buy the single roll of toilet paper must not have an optimistic view of their life expectancy.
Me: *picks nose*
Plastic Surgeon: excellent choice
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Whenever customer service agents say that they’re recording the phone call, I’ve started saying, “I am too.”
Service is way better.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
My son found some handcuffs under our bed so I had to have “the talk” today…
I’m an international crime fighter now
John Wick 4 was so good I wish violence was real
It’s the weekend y’all