Be careful giving your kids access to the internet. I let my 3-year-old play on my phone for 30 minutes and now she won’t stop talking about a podcast she listened to.
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if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
[first Captain to go down with the ship]
Captain: are you sure this a thing? I feel like this isn’t really a thing.
Crew: [already rowing away in the lifeboat]
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Why aren’t more people talking about this?
This year, I’ll be haunting my own house to see if I can scare these people away.
One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest is my favorite book about Twitter
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
I didn’t even know Canada existed until Twitter.
Whenever my dachshund acts up I show him a pack of hotdogs in my fridge and he falls right back into line
the lights on this hospital in my hometown have gone out in a majorly unfortunate way :/
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
When you don’t understand how floors work
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
REVOLUTION HAS BEGUN!!!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
My computer is frozen. Unfortunately it looks like moving my mouse around in circles did absolutely nothing to fix the problem.
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!