“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take”
Obituary: died of Malaria, Small Pox, Polio, & the flu
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Him: Well, this has been a magical evening.
Me: *dragging goat carcass out of pentagram carved into floor* It really has been, thank you.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
We have family pictures in 10 days. If everyone starts getting ready now we can still be late.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
10 anti-Valentine’s Day cards that are perfect for your ex
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
SHOPPER: which aisle has applesauce?
ME: oh, I don’t work here
*continues changing all the cheese Best If Purchased By dates to my name*
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
If you think grammar isn’t important, well, it’s.
I’d give my wife my coat if she’s cold but I’ll take it back if I become cold and maybe she’ll be prepared next time we go out.
A good comeback when someone doesn’t believe you’re a time traveler is “Yeah well nobody cried at your funeral.”
Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.