H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
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Welcome to your 40s: that was a good cookie here’s four pounds.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me
Me: welcome to my painting podcast
[wet slapping noises for 75 minutes]
Me: it’s a mountain
To avoid taking down my Christmas lights, I’m making my house into an Italian restaurant.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Birds wouldn’t be so smug in zero gravity, I bet
Thank God the conventions are over because now we can get back to the real issues: FOOTBALL.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
On our break this morning, I started to tell my wife about the novel scene I was writing. Halfway through my explanation, she took out a grocery store receipt and started silently reading it to herself.
No professional review will ever so harsh. I am now dead.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
No handshakes?! Then how am I supposed to know when the mating ritual is over?
Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.
Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?
GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.
Me: ready to visit grandma?
Toddler: YAY GRANDMA! why is momma crying?
Me: she’s getting ready to visit grandma too.
When folks unfollow me shortly after they’ve followed me I just figure they sobered up.
[during sex]
Him: it’d be nice if you were a little more enthusiastic
Me: *pulls out giant foam finger*
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.