I was shocked as an adult to learn that the crisscross pattern made with a fork on a peanut butter cookie was not a family secret.
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Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[Wife rubbing her temples after I told her how my job interview went] What…what do you mean, you “tried some breakdancing”?
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
Knitting socks for all the geese in the park, they were grateful until they got wet now I have angry geese in wet socks chasing me, this is a powerful lesson I won’t soon forget
I prefer the term busy professional, thank you.
Cop: Here’s a ticket for reckless driving
Me: I’m flattered thank you but I have never even heard of that band
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Ironic
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
I’m so sick of everyone asking if I *really* hate my kids. They’re just jokes, people. Annoying, inconvenient jokes who are ruining my life.
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
I would give my toddler fire before I give them glitter
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Jigsaw: I want to play a game
Me: *takes his hand* I don’t play games
Jigsaw: [whispers] OMG
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
It’s not “Quiet Quitting” if you won’t shut up about it.