[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
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GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
Accidentally bought “wakeup” shampoo with caffeine and menthol and I’m furious at how peppy I am right now
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
Just saw a squirrel wipe down a peanut he took from my hand.
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
With virtually no power, there still comes a surprisingly large amount of responsibility.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Customer: I’ll have the jumbo shrimp
Me (first day as a waiter): just the one?
Customer (first day as a customer): I bet it’s gigantic!
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
[speed dating]
Him: have you ever been married?
Me: just once… we had a beautiful ceremony in my parents yard with all my Barbie dolls in attendance but an hour later he went back to live with his mom
Him: lol aww you were 5?
Me: don’t be ridiculous *sips drink* I was 30
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
[used car]
ME: my credit’s bad
SALESMAN: k
ME: i’m a criminal
SALESMAN: no law against that
ME: i’m on the run
SALESMAN: then you need a car
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
[therapy]
HIM: Should we talk about the elephant in the room?
ME: I don’t like to talk about him
ELEPHANT: Ok wow I’m like right here man
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.