Amazing coincidence how the things I agree with are objectively true and the things I disagree with aren’t
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TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
my friend’s kid asked me if i had any games on phone so i let her text my ex.
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
[restaurant]
me: *pointing* I’ll have that platter for one please
server: but that’s the ‘All You Can Eat’ buffet table, sir
me: challenge accepted
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
In the year 2065, old men will say ‘bae’
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Me in my 20’s: Gotta steal this grocery cart so I can ride down a hill wasted
Me in my 30’s: Gotta steal one of these nice hotel hangers that also hold slacks
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
[dinosaur heist movie]
*the expert triceratops safecracker spends 40 minutes unsuccessfully trying to put his ears up to the safe*
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
Sometimes my kids are so cute it hurts my heart just to look at them.
Other times they’re awake.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
*starts slow clap*
*Clap. Clap. Clap. Clap*
“Sir, your pizza will be ready in 15 minutes!”
*slow claps for 15 minutes*
George Clooney and Brad Pitt fall in love and rob casinos together.
#ExplainAFilmPlotBadly
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
I’d like to announce that in 2020 I’ll be running for John Mayer.
Just gonna catch up and tackle him.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
Cool shirt 🙂
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.